is this for real?

and someone screams inside my head-hey there prick of course this is for real.what did you think?that it dosent happen to people like you?that you would only muse about it and never actually get the chance?that you would always stand in the crowd and scream your approval when what you really want to do is be up there exhorting people around you to scream their approval for your stuff?that your one wish of singing your heart out infront of all for yourself would remain a pleasant dream?

well goodluck...cause you had your chance of turning back.and you didnt.now you better get your ass moving cause tommorrow is a new day.and tommorrow you begin.goodluck.

i tell myself.

(tommorrow i begin to practice with my band.we plan to go onstage for a fest coming up in a few days.)

life has been good lately...

waking up late to ma's cessant(!) and futile calls

doin nothin

goin through the news papers to my hearts content

doin nothing

letting the stereo blare at full throttle...turning the volume a notch down a moment later gultily

doin nothing

taking my bath singing(read:screaming) at the top of my lungs...bringing the showcasing of my lung power a notch down guiltily

doin nothing

having my lunch

doin nothin

goin out for a couple of hours...

to south city,starmark,sitting with a book and reading to hearts content(with an occassional glance at a pretty girl here and a hot chick there),im in my element...walking down the streets near oberoi,trying to ignore a li'l pain thats about to creep in,ignoring it and letting go of a sigh thats been building inside for a long time,telling myself that its not over,i've got a long way to go,putting a faint smile and goin on...having phuchkas to my hearts content,no guilt whatsoever,rolls and moghlais rounding up the gastronomic ventures...with mitun and co. to ccd,learning a bit of 29 afterwards...to mituns place,nirbhejal adda,and a bit of cards,pretending to be pros when we have only about begun to get the hang of how its to be a novice...to indrayuths place,catching up with a person who made me realise that i had made a mistake in not keepin in touch with him who was probably my oldest friend,watching a few guy movies,chatting,realising how different thes few months in college have made us yet how much the same person we still remain...to school on the 1st,catching up with all my old pals,indescribable...

meeting amrita a few times,looking at her,wanting her to ask me,wanting to tell her,looking away telling myself its best left unsaid...holding her hand to let her know all the same...im there...

comin back home...a few words with tonny,ma,baba and mona...

doin nothing

having my dinner

doin nothing/reading a book i've already read/reading a book i've just got hold of

falling asleep...thoughts crossing my mind,forming an incomprehensible,indistinguished mass...but a face burns bright...and as i fall asleep i pray,silently whispering ,"let she not fade away from where she belongs..."

waking up to ma's cessant(!) and futile calls...

life,has been great lately...

its not like im too saintly
its not like i dont miss missing out on the bonhomie
its not like im not curious
its not like im not tempted...

but at the end of each day i thank god for not letting me fall into the clutches of a habitual high which entails spending 30 bucks per day on an average on a few sticks which do nothing but go up in smoke...

i love you god

i love myself.

I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom

4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still "everything happens for a reason"
Is no reason not to ask myself

If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?

-why georgia
john mayer

crappily yours forever,life.

not gonna blabber much(though i end up doing exactly what i tell i wont).was watching "rang de basanti" today.felt something i've never felt before...(and like every other familiar instance) i cant explain what hit me.happened a few days ago when i was reading a book called "kite runner".and let me tell you,if you havent read that book yet,it really has taken some worth out of your life...same for RDB.though you might be feeling melancholic after you've gone through these two,i'm sure that someday you'll surely realise that the creators of both these...umm...lets say phenomena(though for me thats an understatement)...wanted to celebrate the spirit of life...of what in essentiality is life.of the basic things that matter,of what makes you you and how you should never let somebody else decide your fate...or for that matter give up...and how you shouldnt be dillusioned enough to "piss on the present with one foot in the past and another in the future".the time is now...and now only...speak up(for yourself and what you think is right),strike down(what you think is wrong) and march(ahead)...

life is beautiful...though you might find a few places blotched with lizard shit...upto you to immerse yourself in it or carefully sidetrack the bog.it gave me a lot of ape poo(with fart) on my face when i wanted flowers...and hey...i thank all those people who made my life a gas chamber(the gas being dino fart) but i must say...you made me stronger.

i leave tommorow(not this planet,dont you worry...you'll get your fair share of the new salman rush...)...gonna take that first step after which there is no looking back...but i want my footsteps in the sand to be there and not washed away...absurd dream...but arent dreams supposed to be absurd to take you great heights?i dream...and i believe...

this was my ""tribute"" to life...see ya on the otherside...life beckons.and here i come...

hey life...i love you...

and hey girl...i frankly dont give a damn to what happens...i love you more.

hey all you peepal(sud style!!)...well...my didi told me the other day to write something new...when i told her that its kinda hard for me to write on a regular basis coz i dont have a comp at home,she told me to write my stuff somewhere and then key it in...well,to tell the truth i find the process very cumbersome(and it hurts my creative ego...sobs :-))...but its all i can do till i find a more permanent solution(get myself a comp that is)....nyway...after that huge intro lemme get down to the real thing...well,i am gonna share with you one of my compositions that i had the mifortune to write...and trust me..this should be your crash course in what not to resort to when you "eat the push"(mane dhakka kahoa ar ki)...so here goes...

I tried so hard,but was left all scarred

my love was wasted;was this all a dream?

i stay awake,yet i'm asleep

with all these dreams haunting me...

reminding me of your presence

that was...and never will be...

life is such a cavernous path

leading us into treacherous pits which

seem so inescapable...yet so gratifying...

my vile rantings will go in vain...i do this in pain,

pain that hurts,the hurt amazing me cause

i've been numbed...numbed by her mirage like presence in my life...i

reach out only to see she's (there)no more,yet

i keep keep on reaching out...in hope that

even if only for a while...she'll make make me feel real...words i write is the pent up blood

that finds release when i think of her...cause she courses through my veins,this very moment...

i lie bleeding,not blood but,pain...

need a few days...though days now seem to stretch on for eternity...

i've loved beyond reason...if that's a sin

i've sinned beyond redemption...if this guilt warrants death...

i'm dead...a mere spectre of what i was...and never shall be...

ahem...i've edited out a few places without even thinking twice...and i've not even wrote what i wrote in the end...but belive me...if i would have actually given you the whole thing you would have had a hard time cleaning up the mess that you yourself would have made on your computer screen(hope you get what i mean)...its not that i hated myself and the one i mentioned...but suddenly ektu kobitto chole eschilo mone and i couldnt help writing this stuff(or crap,watever)...later i realised the futility of being so hopeless...and the immense pleasure in being happy...well,being happy even if you really arent busts your ass sometimes...but you'll notice that in the end it takes very little of your effort to shrug off that queasy feeling...sounding like a help guru???time to stop motormouthing for now...

and for future reference,if you've had too square a meal and want to get off(mane puke,that is!!!) real fast,just take peek at the above compositon...instant retcher for those who love being happy...and i for sure am one...aint i right mitun??!!!

i am...'cause you are...

like...i dunno whatta write!!!hell...its like there are times when i feel words will seep outta my head if i dont take hold of a pen and put it to paper...and there are times(like now) when you want words to cascade but they jut get stuck somewhere in between your brain and fingertips...been hearing all sorta things about this thing called blog...thought why not give it a try...who knows...maybe someday this banda too might be nominated for a booker...as an afterthought,might just win it too...not that i aim too high(*impish grin*)...but hey,why not??!!!!

nyway...i think i've bulldozered you with enough crap already(anytime though!!!)...so cutting it down to a bare minimum(but BHAT bolna nahi chorega) ,i think i gotta write something that's actually readable(and that,dear whatever,is aspiring real low but in its essence,the most essential thing)...

started a few days ago...actually it did a few months ago...if i go into all the details in this public domain,a certain person(and i am so very sure of this) will hire god to strike me with thunder bang in the middle of my skull...and then the world is gonna miss out on another rushdie in the making(minus the skill,plus double the crap)...f@%#!!!im derailing myself again...well..."ONE FINE day" a VERY close...ahem...lets just say the very close "ahem" of mine told me what one expects to hear(and if you're so intelligent to have not got where this thing is going,you might just as well surf porn...will be more worthwhile for you...and if you are still in your nappies with respect to the net i can reccomend a few good sites....buzz me whenever you feel like "getting up"...forever at your feet)...so what i was saying is that "ahem" had the quintesential idea of choosing different paths...and yours truly got very upset cause "ahem" of has been very close(a li'l too much) to him for quite a while now(if 4 years count that is)...

cutting the long story short,this banda went through all the pangs that is "expected" of one when he or she is enstranged(and very queerly so...VERY)...and then,a few words of "ahem" and my superior intelligence helped wade through the swamp of crappish emos(man...i get the shudders when i think of them now) and get back to being the joker with a "razor sharp sense of humor"("ahem",if u're reading this now,take a bow!!*impish grin again*)...but with a difference...khistify me for the ghyam if you want to,but a hell lot more matured than i ever was...to be more obscure,i saw THE WHOLE DAMN POINT...

just a few gyans...

people say that if a person lets go when you need them the most,they aint meant for you...not neccesarily...
people say that you can never let your pride take the backseat...dosen't kill you to chew your hat a few times...
people say that there are millions of 'em waiting for you,up for grabs,anytime you want...anytime you WANT...think about it...you still might have a light glowing inside you when you (just)hear the name of a certain person...

people say MOVE ON...wait...think...love...

in the end,the only thing that is up for grabs is life...if you stil are trying to make a neo-devdas outta yourself i'll again reccommend you porn...and if you've figured out even half of the hopelessness of being hopeless,please kick depressed butts at the wink of an eye whenever you come across some...belive me yaar...you gonna miss out on a lot if you dont shake yourself and rise this very moment...DO IT NOW...and do it forever...

people...you might question me why i chose to write what i've written...simply because i needed to get a few things off my chest before i start on the path that lies ahead of me...and being a conserved sorta guy(well,i am) i might have not made any sense while blabbering all this while...but of this im sure...many of you will understand...and not chase me with brickbats...trust me...there is nothing better than being in love...but there is nothing greater than being with your love...inside youself...

the promise i made to life stands...

i was...'cause you were...

I AM...'CAUSE YOU ARE...